As we finally reach home, we felt it necessary to write a letter to family and friends, letting them know what to expect in the days ahead.
Dear Family and Friends,
We deeply appreciate all the support and excitement that you have shown us during this journey. We are overjoyed at God's grace, but we also realize this will be a season of adjustment for our family.
We are confident of this: God’s design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother and father at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. Paige and Phoebe will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of their birth country. They will be overwhelmed. Everything around them will be new and they will need to learn not just about their new environment, but also about love and family. They have not experienced God’s design for a family in an orphanage setting. They will struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that we will meet their needs. The good news is that we can now, as their parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds.
The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed them. As this repeats between us, they will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. We will be doing what we believe is best to help them heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible.
Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping them settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Paige and Phoebe. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed!
Another area is redirecting their desire to have their physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Paige and Phoebe hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until they have a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct them to us if you see that they are seeking out food, affection or comfort.
Also, please feel free to ask us any questions at any time. We are learning, too, and are grateful that you are speaking with us to help Paige and Phoebe feel loved, safe, and secure. Thank you so much for your love and support over the last few years.
With Love
P and K
